your secret admirer
by pudding pop
Summary: Bella is sick of letting her feelings for Edward govern her life. She has finaly found a way to vent, and that's in the form of writing letters to the people in her life. These are her letters, and her story.
1. Chapter 1

DESCRIPTION:Bella has been in love with her good friend for a while, but she's too afraid to tell him. Stress has been building, though, so as a way release all the swirling emotions around her she's decided to write notes to Edward and other people. Everyone thinks of her as a calm and collected person, but inside she's brewing, and isn't sure how long she can stay at Forks High School with all the drama that has suddenly popped up her Junior year.

EXPLANATION: A while ago, I, (Pudding Pop) got some serious problems. It's my junior year now and some really crappy stuff has been happening. It's all building up, though so I'm not sure how else to tell anyone. I can't really tell anyone in my family, so I'm turning to you guys. I'm writing this story, but the characters are going to be a little ooc because they're based off of the experiences that are happening to me. A while ago I was having a 'mental breakdown' and I wrote the part that I'm going to make in bold font. I hope it explains how I'm feeling, or how I was at least. So if I mix some names up in this story, I'm sorry, feel free to comment on anything.

**Hey guys, It's pudding Pop:**

**I'm sorry, but I don't have a story right now. I do have some of my own life problems, though, and I was wondering if you guys would let me vent. I have no other place to do this, and you guys have been so helpful with my stories, that I was wondering if you all could help me. You can send in your own dilemas if you want, and we can sort them out, or at least try. I believe that everyone should be able to have a place where they can release all of their true feelings, and sometimes that is done best with people who you have never met. If you agree with this, please tell me, because I really want to continue this. With my venting it's probably going to be about current guy problems, parent trouble, school trouble... etc.**

**I just want a place where I can release my feelings without feeling that I will be judged too much. Feel free to message me if you want to vent on your own problems, I can give you pointers if you want to, or I can just be someone to listen to your problems. Sometimes things seem better if you're able to write them out, and send it to be put on someone elses shoulder's. Even if alone it is something simple, problems seem to build up exponentially, and sometimes it seems too much.**

**I'm kind of putting myself out here, so please review this if you want me to have this. I realize it's not completely 'Twilight' related, but if I must I can put some quotes or soething to keep this 'story' going if more people want this. Please let me know if you'll support me in continuing this, I really hope this can help someone else, as well.**

**All my love to everyone,**

**Pudding Pop**

Side note: I'm actually not completely sure on how I'm going to d this. know I'm going to have everything BPOV but it could be in the form of a letter to another person, or it could be a recollection of her day. Just know that it will probably go between story format and letter form. Thanks to everyone whose willing to read this. I promise to make is Bella and Edward for all of you Twilight fans who don't really care about the writer but just want their daily dose of fanfiction. Love you guys, I swear I'm done now.

~Pudding Pop


	2. January 7th

BPOV

January 7, 2011

_Dear Diary,_

_I've decided that I should start writing a diary. I feel pretty stupid right now, but it will be nice to look back on this one day, and I need a way to sort out my life. So, Diary, you are the one I chose to hear what I have to say, because I don't trust anyone else enough. But as you're just hearing this now, I fel like I should give you some background information. I'm Bella, and I'm a junior in High School. Sorry for giving you a bunch of information right now, but trust me. This is all important. I am on the swim team right now, and on Thursdays I also do water polo. It's a way to keep me in shape, because even if people deny it, EVERYONE worried about their body at least a little. I'm sixteen, and I live in Forks Washington. I'm extremely idealistic, and I try to see the good in the world. Unfortunately, a part of me is also extremely pessimistic, and it shows sometimes. I believe in love. I believe that everyone in the world should be able to find their other half, and be with him or her._

_Edward is the reason that I'm writing today. He's just so confusing. He's supposed to be my friend! I wouldn't go as far as say best friend, but we were pretty close, and our mothers had worked together since his family moved here the summer between sixth grade and seventh grade. Edward was a year older that me, and each year since, we have gotten to be better and better friends. I'm not sure if he likes me or not, though. And I hate that, because I know for a fact that every time I see him my feelings grow. Angela promisses that he's going to ask me to prom, but I'm not sure. And this is his SENIOR year! This is my last chance before he heads off to California for college and eventually become a film director. I'm just still afraid of rejection. Terrified that this could ruin our relationship. We do a lot together: He's my debate partner, for one. Our mother's work together, like I mentioned earlier, but they work in the Main office of our High School. We have to get to school about an hour earlier than school starts, so for the past three years we have always just talked, or played games._

_So today we walk to our first class together which is Competitive speech. Our teacher teaches a speech1 class at the same time, so he lets the eight of us mess around and doesn't really care. We spent the entire period drawing on our teacher's white board. We eventually covered the entire board with doodles. Some of the drawings were of eachother. My friend Alice drew a 2nd-grade-type picture of me in an open spot, and put some fangs on me. Edward grabbed a dry-erase pen and wrote underneath it, "We love her anyways. Even though she orders her steak bloody." love? does he really mean that or is it just something he wrote? I hate how I can't just get up the courage and ask him. Sometimes he will do something extremely boyfriend-esque' like ask me to split a pie at a the local diner, and sometimes he will avoid me for days. Why can't guys just spill their feelings? It would be so much easier if he would just tell me how he feels. OH! Another thing! So durring lunch I usually eat in the office with my mom (because Edward eats with his mom a few feet away so we can talk and mess around. Today at lunch he asked me if I had Chemistry next. I shook my head._

_"No, it's the afternoon right now."_

_"Oh yeah!" he remembered. Our classes are split so that we have eight classes. four on 'blue days' and four on 'gold days'. "Because on blue days we walk to speech in the morning, and then we walk down to B-hall together where you go to Psychology and I go to Government. Then after lunch we walk to C-hall where you go to Calculus and I go to sign language. On Gold days we walk up to C-hall where we split and you go to Chemistry and I go to Calculus. After lunch that day you go to Sign language and I go to Science." How the hell does he know that? He is so frustrating! Does this mean something? Angela says that he likes me, but I always deny it. Does this mean something? Is there any truth to her words? I can't concentrate anymore. He's always in my mind. I can't sleep without thinking of him I can't listen to music without comparing it to him, and I can't draw anymore, without it having any meaning to him and I._

_His mom Esme was sitting at her desk while I was at the spare computer when she brought something up. I have an open block next semester, so I need to find one more class that I can put in. Apparently Edward talked to our speech/technology/video teacher and he's going to have an independant study class for advanced students who want to film. Edward is all over this idea and Esme wanted to know if I wanted to be in that class. I could get some experience with the new video program, and I get credit for taking the class. I haven't taken any actual video classes, but I've worked with television broadcasting and I've helped out the teacher Mr. Welch with some of his other video classes. Esme says I should be fine if I wanted to take the class, but I'm not sure if I would be ready for it. I talked to Mr. Welch about it and he said I would be fine. How would Edward feel if I took the class? We would spend the entire semester working on one video, so it might get pretty intense. He gets so involved in his work. Would I just hinder him? Would he even want me there? Sure were friends, but is he going to be sick of me being everywhere he is? Maybe I'll bring it up with Edward. We'll be together monday morning, I could bring it up then, but how would I start? Diary, I need some help._

There. I finished writing the last word and closed the book. It really was nice to get my feelings out, even if no one would read this. Actually, I hoped to god that no one would read this. It's alomst embarasingly cheesy, and living in a small town, if one wrong person found out I liked Edward, everyone would know I liked him. I put my pencil down and hid my diary behind my pillow carefully before going to brush my teeth. Maybe tomorrow would be less complicated. It was the weekend, so I doubted I would see Edward anyways...

**So, what did you guys think of the first official chapter? Did you like it? Hate it? Please review and tell me! I'm really excited as to where this could go, but I need everyone's feedback.**

**Thanks everyone,**

**Pudding Pop**


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